An open letter, to myself…

This is a letter to me, to hold myself accountable from this day onwards.

Something I can look back on every time I need reminding that today is the day I made a decision…

A decision to change – to be a better person.

I have failed!

Three years ago I held the universe in my hands…

– I was in the best shape of my life
– I had goals, dreams and motivation
– I had money, opportunities and charisma
– I was respected and liked
– I was happy
– I was an inspiration

Today, I look back at who I was then and who I am now – and I don’t like what I see…

– I hand control to external factors
– I make poor decisions
– I have no drive or vision
– My dreams and goals turned to ‘if only’
– I make excuses instead of taking action
– I let other people choose whether I fulfil my goals or not

Somewhere along the line I stopped writing my own story and became a passenger in my own life.

In the past 3 years, I’ve been blessed with things I’ve waited my whole life for…

Meeting Anne-Marie – the missing part of me, the most understanding, loving, beautiful person I could imagine – who chose me, and gave me a future I wanted.

Becoming virtual step-dad to Lauren – although not my ‘first-born’, she is my ‘first child’ – I’ve watched her grow into a beautiful, confident, intelligent six year old – one day I’ll show her how to make all her dreams come true, and that you don’t ‘find’ happiness… you ‘make’ it.

Becoming a father to Jasmine – who turned my world upside down. Every day, I look at her and am amazed. Unfortunately, I missed Lauren’s first three years. I’m lucky to be given the chance to ‘build’ a human from scratch. To make mistakes and correct them, while watching a new-born baby grow into one of the most intelligent creatures I’ve ever encountered.

I’ll protect them until the day I die, I’ll make mistakes, but I’ll make up for them.

The sad thing is, I haven’t been able to fully appreciate everything because I haven’t been ME.

Today, that changes – it has to…

Without change, I can’t help make our dreams a reality.

I must be there to help Anne-Marie and both my little girls have every opportunity in life…

– To travel the world and expand their minds
– To experience the true beauty of this world
– To learn lessons for themselves, with our help
– To live a life that makes them happy
– To be loved unconditionally

Nobody will ever stand in the way of their happiness, certainly not me.

I’ll show them how to dream, and how to make those dreams come true.

Even though I make it hard to believe sometimes, the three women in my life are my reason to be alive.

Which is why I need to change.

The old me dies today, he is broken, I’ve tried to fix him but I can’t…

When something fails to work…
You can’t always fix it…
Sometimes you just have to tear it down…
Tear it down and rebuild it from scratch…

At midnight tonight, I begin rebuilding myself, in the image of the perfect human.

– A strong, healthy body
– A strong, healthy mind

There will be obstacles, there will be mistakes – I will go through, around or over the obstacles and I will fix the mistakes quickly.

The past stays where it is – a stranger to me, a lesson and an example of how not to be.
The future is an open book – one we will write together.

The new me is:

– Proactive, not reactive
– Grateful for everything
– Always improving
– Always helpful
– Ready to learn
– Willing to do what it takes, no excuses

I will not fail.